Hunger

It was back in January. I wanted a proper afternoon tea with a book, so I made a reservation for one at The Living Room in The Peninsula Beverly Hills. I sat with Hanya Yanagihara's A Little Life and indulged in a lovely afternoon tea until I was surprised by a parade of cakes. I realized that every table was celebrating a birthday, and not another table was being occupied simply to enjoy the afternoon tea. I pondered and smiled at the reminder that I don't save good china for special occasions.

Afternoon Tea at The Living Room

Special occasions... Those words lingered in my mind. The only thing guaranteed in life from the first breath to the very last breath we take is death. Birth and all the days we lived seem almost infinitesimal compared to today, our present. To quote Eleanor Roosevelt, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

I like that saying, the best present is the present. There are days I want to return the present, but those presents often give me opportunities to appreciate the next present more. Being in the present, rather than chasing after a mirage rooted in hunger, yields serene satisfaction. 

It is an interesting word, isn't it? Hunger is a craving caused by discomfort or suffering due to lack of... I cringe when companies seek and value "hungry" people. What does it say about a company or a manager when they are looking for folks who are in discomfort or suffering due to a lack of success? Hunger, not for food, in life sounds doleful yet frightening. While I appreciate hunger for life which is a drive to live a fulfilled life, I dread it when I encounter those of us who are hungry in life. 

Being hungry in life differs from being hungry for life. When we are hungry in life, we try to fill our lives rather than live it. Life isn't meant to be filled because it is meant to be lived. Attempting to fill our lives with money, people, power and stuff is meaningless. Isn't it? Our lives are like distensible jars. The more we fill, the bigger it expands to only turn us greedy and shallow for more. It simply leaves us hungrier. 

Of course, some hunger isn't for more. Some hunger is from starvation, never having had even enough to pour. We've encountered folks who speak grand about themselves and have grander plans, but their words are figments in efforts to impress others. We realize their disconnects, some may call it lies, in their words and we are pained with disappointments. I've come to realize that the figments fester from a lack of self-esteem or desperation. It is like they are shouting over their insecurities, so no one can hear the beating of their inferiority complex. 

Eyes wide shut is a phrase I use often to describe those of us who are hungry in life and living with figments. We toss between pity and irritation when we encounter those refusing to see something in plain view because of preconceived notions of what something should look like while their eyes are wide shut. 

Pity is something I recently started to feel for those who are hungry in life. Imagine a life devoid of satisfaction, their eyes became wide shut. They can't and haven't lived, at least not with meaningful intentions other than their personal agenda. Gaslighting and backstabbing are natural reactions to cover their low self-esteem, often not realizing their unscrupulousness. Some label them narcissists. I hate it when we label transgressions as mental illness, even if it is a personality disorder.

Some folks see my enthusiasm as hunger. I get excited in my work and personal spaces when there is an opportunity to make a positive impact. I have pondered about that. Am I hungry? I mostly have concluded with emphatic no in recent years. It is because I don't like to do something simply to impress. I rarely care about how others think of me. I don't do anything to simply check it off a list. I do what I know to be right, what I want to pursue. 

I became comfortable with myself some time between after I reset Exhaling Life back in November 2021 with Lemon Honey & Soy Sauce Chicken and now. Some folks may call me a survivor. I hate that word... Survivor. I still hate that word, but it may be because I am now beyond surviving. I am content. 

There is peace within me. I am not being chased by monsters. I still have flashbacks, sometimes anger. I also know that I am no longer that little girl. I am no longer that woman. I am no longer a victim. They are all in the past and I am not in the past. I am here, in the present.

I've taken inventory of life... Often considered cold with my instinct to be pragmatic and transparent, I always held onto humanity and humility even in the survival mode moments. Was I ever hungry? I never cared to be successful. I cared to be valuable, bring value to what I did, and do with intentions in my work and personal spaces. At least not hungry enough to be unscrupulous. 

Are you hungry in life? You know... You can't shake off that feeling that you are missing something. You are always looking for that next thing to fill your time and space. No matter what, you can't feel satisfied. You feel like there is more out there for you. Are you feeling miserable while putting up a face of happiness? How about exhilarating with a sense of hollowness?